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Traceba's Blog

A Passion for writing

A Darkened Silhouette


A Darkened Silhouette

A darkened silhouette, she stands alone. She looks beyond, too afraid to look you in the eyes, fearful that you may see straight into her soul. Her darkened soul reeks of sadness. Bearing scars from abuse, yet she escapes attention drawn to her like a hummingbird is drawn to the color red. Sadly, her life is stagnant, making her tired, depressed and wanting nothing more than to die.

She desires to be understood but she allows nobody into her world. She longs to be held, yet she will not allow anyone to touch her. She screams out loud, yet she cannot be heard. She walks amongst the others covered in anger and hate, eyes peeled to the ground. Hearing whispers all around her, yet she continues on. This young girl, so full of life, yet so empty, fragile, lost and alone, does not ask for help. She only thinks who she is and how she is, is normal.

She cannot hold a conversation, she is too afraid you will criticize her words, yet she can sit in her room and pen the most beautiful poetry unnoticed to the world. She sits alone and ponders her tainted youth. She dreams often about what life will be like as an adult but she cannot see beyond the darkness.

She is a darkened silhouette, one who stands behind her own shadow. She is not afraid to dance in the rain alone. Not only has she drowned in her own sorrows, she is well nourished from her own tears. The picture she portrays to the rest of the world may seem grim; but she feels her life is normal. Someday this darkened silhouette will awaken and come to life. In the meantime, she stands alone in silence.

A note from the author: I wrote this story about a girl I watched grow from a bubbly little girl into this dark, deep, difficult, silent girl. Almost like night and day and she stood before me and could not look me in the eyes as we were talking. I was not surprised because I saw a little of me in her at that age. However, we need to understand why teenagers get to that point of alienation. How do we prevent this from happening and what can be done to correct the situation once it arises? Get involved! Just get involved!

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When The Internet Bites Back


I have met some interesting people in my lifetime. I think it is safe to say that we all have met some great people and some not so great people. But how do you define good versus evil when it comes to the internet? How can you honestly know when a person is being completely truthful to you? You cannot.

You, might be the most honest person in the world, yet the person for whom you are engaging in conversation with could possibly be someone that he/she is not and you would never know it until it were too late! It can happen, it has happened and it will continue to happen as long as we allow it, and as long as we rely on the internet for that ever-lasting hope that we will find love, friendship, and truth.

I spent the last three months doing extensive research on various dating and community sites on the internet. I wanted to understand what really drives individuals to their breaking point; I wanted to find out what it took to get someone out of their comfort zone. How far they were willing to go and how far would I be willing to go to get them there. I had to be a nice girl, a naughty girl, a mean girl, a friend, a flirt, but I was never willing to meet them so I had to come up with excuses that would be believable and if not, I had to take it to a totally new level of argument and be willing to take whatever abuse they dished out at me. It was a horrible experience.

I had to become a friend to many, gaining their trust so that they would allow me into their world and the things I discovered about what is out there these days, is shocking! The expectations that men have for women, as well as what women want from men are extreme and the disrespect for each other is so outrageously obvious that I spent most of my time stunned and amazed at the behavior of both sides. The most shocking of all, is the amount of married men/ women on the internet, looking for companionship, conversation, attention, and cybersex. Many are actually going out of their way to meet with any willing man/woman to have physical intercourse behind their spouse’s back. What amazed me is the number of people willing to fall prey to this situation because of lack of self esteem, or because the guy/girl is ‘hot’, or they are receiving just the right amount of attention from that person and it is so obvious how these people know just how to manipulate until they get what they want.

I have witnessed men wanting to expose themselves to me on cam; I have witnessed men wanting to be friends with benefits only.  I have witnessed women asking me to spy on their boyfriends on the internet to see if they were cheating. I played a sixteen year old girl flirting with men over the age of thirty and was appalled at how many were willing to meet me. I witnessed a man begging me to turn my cam on so that he could show me what kind of underwear he was wearing at the time, and I was mortified and grateful for the delete button. What is wrong with people today?  Although this stuff has been around for many years, it has drawn more attention lately because it seems like people are bullying others into doing so much more now than they ever did before. What kind of message are we sending our kids about the internet? It isn’t safe to just ‘surf’ the net anymore. I say this only because most of the sites that I had been in are free to the public and are full of these very same freaks that I thought were nice people in the beginning but are lurking in dark corners, just waiting for some vulnerable child or woman to come along.

I set a lot of men up; I admit I am not proud of how I went about my research, or how I handled myself on certain situations. But I learned a great deal about myself, my strength and I learned from those who were willing participants. The worst part was getting them to engage in wanting more from me and as I would back away the verbal abuse would begin, and at one point I did take it to heart. There was one man that I spent a great deal of time getting to know by telephone, by texting, by daily contact on a particular site where we met, and by IM (Instant messaging). We were growing closer and within a week he was asking me to come to his home in the middle of the night (which was an hour away and out in the country) to sleep with him. We had never physically met yet and he never offered to come to my home-town to take me out to dinner, a movie, or any type of public activity. He jumped right into wanting to sleep with me and that was his focus from the beginning. When I began to back down, the verbal abuse began. My self-esteem fell, because I had never experienced such abuse from anyone.

The bad part of being on the internet like that is that people can be anything they want to be, they can be as strong as they need to be, they can be hurtful or they can be truly kind. Whatever the case is, they will be what is necessary to survive. You may think you are safe on the internet, but you are not! This person stalked me everywhere. He wore me down to the point that I had to shut many programs down because he would find me. He made me cry, he would text me endlessly into the night and then he involved a girl who claimed to be my friend and she began to harass me continuously for two weeks after. I had to shut my phone off and was about to change my number when it all fell silent. These two played the game that is played on these sites so many times over; bullying people into believing that they are nothing, worthless, ugly, and fat. Both were parents, and because of that I was stunned at their behavior! Since neither knew about the research project, I let it go, but I would never want that type of person in my life.

After that experience, I was baffled at my behavior and needed a break; I was just about to close down a particular site when I met a man who turned my life upside down. I have fallen in love with him but even that has been a rocky road because I still carried such strain from the previous experiences that I almost lost this person. I still have him in my life and I am praying every day that he will see the goodness in my heart and realize that I really do care deeply for him and am grateful that he is still in my life. I have not been able to get him out of my mind. The night he kissed me will be remembered until the day I die, because they say it is all in the kiss and I believe that now!

Now, remember that the internet can be your friend or it can be your enemy. Watch what you say at all times. Watch what you do at all times. Remember that every little thing you do is a reflection of you. Your job can be affected; your family can be affected. So always ask yourself, if I say this, or do this, can it harm me or someone closest to me in any way? If you answer yes to yourself, then you know you cannot do it but if the answer is no, then you are okay. Try to explain to kids the harm that bullying on the internet can do. Try to express the importance of not exchanging photos of any kind to anyone and I mean anyone, even if you trust them because that can come back to haunt you in the worst way. That boyfriend whom you think you will be with for the rest of your life, you suddenly break up with him, then suddenly you find your photos all over the internet, you know, the ones you intimately shared with each other, never thinking that he would do such a thing at the time. Come on people, use your heads! This has got to stop!

Always remember that when the internet bites back, and it does bite back; it isn’t always pretty but it can be prevented!

Insperation


Cascading mountains

Seen from a windowsill

In meadow full of flowers

Daisies and daffodils

 

From white, puffy clouds

On a clear summer day

Not hidden by misty shrouds

Chasing your blues away

 

From a bubbling brook

To a mellowing stream

By a fire with a good book

Brings forth a pleasant theme

 

Standing in the middle of a crowd

Shouting at the top of your lungs

Watching people walking by line

Some speaking in tongue

 

This is inspiration.

How great poetry is written.

Surrounded by God's creation

Reaching from deep within

 

In the silent of night

As you watch the first snowfall

When everything is black and white

When you feel so small

 

When inspired by a small child

What a great story is told

Witnessing a newborn's first smile

Is something to behold

 

This is inspiration

Visions from the heart and soul

It can be your salvation

It will play its vital role

 

My inspiration

Comes from thoughts in such

As I share my poetry with you

I hope you enjoy them just as much

   

This poetry verse was taken from the "Dancing With Words" by Tracy Leigh Ball

Just Believe


There will come a time in your life when you will have doubts. Let’s face it; we have all been there at one time or another. But you have to believe that your dream is your dream and only you can make it come true. You are going to come across many hurdles too hard to jump and you may find yourself walking around them, which is okay. There will be many distractions, and there will be those who will find great pleasure in discouraging you from believing in your dreams. Just believe in yourself and you can do anything if you put your mind to it.

We are all empowered with the knowledge and wisdom to make our hopes and dreams come true. We have the ability and strength within us to believe. Yet for some, the need for encouragement holds them back from fulfilling their dreams. Just believe in yourself, only you can make you happy. Only you can make your dreams a reality. You cannot rely on other people to make you happy or to make you believe in yourself.

There is a writer in all of us; we all have a story to tell. You just have to have the courage to tell that story. You have to have the patience it takes to sell your story to a publisher; I cannot emphasize enough on how you have to do your homework. There are certain rules and regulations you must follow in order to submit your work. You must research every publisher on their requirements for submission. Plus, you must prepare yourself mentally for rejection, trust me, there will be many rejections, but that does not mean that you are not a good writer. It just means that your work might need a little improvement or the subject matter is not what they are looking for at the present time.

There are no guarantees in the world of publishing. You will be liked and you will be disliked; and you cannot expect that you will please everyone. Do not let rejection discourage you from continuing on your journey to writing that all American novel. Rejection is like riding a bull, the first time you are bucked off, it will be up to you to climb back on that bull and ride again and again.

As I have said before, your dream is your dream and only you can make that dream come true. Just believe in yourself! Belief in the ability that you are capable of accomplishing your goals is all that matters. Be the writer, feel the words, express the meaning, push yourself beyond your limits and keep an open mind. As a writer, there are no limits as to what you can do. Your willingness to explore your creative imagination will be the key to your success. The sky is the limit; all you have to do is just believe!

Bullying


Why do you keep picking on me? Why do you keep tripping me in the halls, pushing me up against lockers, slapping my head, knocking books out of my arms, and calling me names while following behind me, and chasing me out of school and following me home? Why are you always trying to start a fight with me? I do not want to fight you; I just want to be left alone and yet somehow you have picked me out of the crowd to be your punching bag, your joke of the day. Does this make you feel superior? Does this make you feel strong and invincible?

No child should ever have to fear going to school.

Bullying has been around for many generations. When will it ever end?  When I was in elementary school, I remember vividly, the girls who followed me home and called me names, pushed me down and even shoved me in front of a moving car. I was lucky that the woman driving the car was quick and able to stop but I ended up with a bloody nose and she gave me a ride home.

The girls were older and tougher than I was, and I never did anything to provoke them but for some reason they picked me out of the whole student body and decided to make me their punching bag. I was never so relieved when they went to junior high and giving me two years of relief.

However, the minute I entered junior high, they were waiting for me and the bullying continued. My parents finally stepped in and put an end to my suffering by calling the police after I was beat up while off school grounds. The police took us over to one of the girl’s home to confront the parent; we were amazed to find that the mother was mouthier then her child. That explained why the girl was the way she was.

It starts at home, whether a family member has bullied the bully, mentally or physically.This compels them to turn around and afflict the same abuse onto others for self-satisfaction. We need to draw a line somewhere and gain control of this ‘ever growing’ epidemic before it escalates out of control. The number of bullied teens committing suicide has grown and will continue to grow if we do not step in and implement harsher laws. Make the bully completely responsible for  their actions. Charge them with reckless homicide if the child they are tormenting should commit suicide, and if that does not stop them from bullying other children, then we need to force the parent of the bully, to pay a hefty fine. Maybe then and only then will parents step up and teach their children the importance of respecting other children. Wake up people something has to be done!

We all share the same concerns for every child facing this on a daily basis, yet nobody has come forth to stop this dead in its tracks. If you have never been bullied, that should not make a difference in your willingness to get involved. I have heard parents say; “I was never bullied, and my child is not being bullied, so I don’t need to get involved”.  Well you need to get involved and start showing interest in your local school board and get the ball rolling in your district to force them to implement harsher punishment, help protect the innocent child, whether it is your child or not. If they do not wish to implement harsher punishment, protest until they make the changes.

We all have ideas on what should be done, and I do not think there is any right or wrong way of doing this. I firmly believe that we need to make the bully fully responsible and if he/she wishes to continue then we need to go after their parents, bottom line!

Also, let us not make this a gay/straight issue. The fact that a bully torments any child should be the focus. Every school district in the United States needs to protect the innocent child no matter the gender, race, etc.

Why I Write


As I sit here and ponder the reason why I write, nothing grand comes to mind. I am sure there are many who will say they write to inspire. Some will claim that it is a passion since they were knee high to a Billy goat. I have been a writer since the age of fifteen. I wrote and recorded my first song when I was sixteen, I wrote my first poem when I was seventeen and then I started writing short stories there soon after.

So I guess I can say I write because it is all I know. “Writing is not a passion learned but a passion willed within”. I believe that with all my heart since I created that quote. Without that passion or drive, we would not write.

I may not be a bestselling author or that brilliant writer, there is always room for improvement, and there is always room for constructive criticism that will allow me to blossom into a well-oiled writing machine. In the meantime, I will continue to entertain what fans I do have and I will be thankful that I am able to live out my dream. I will continue to impress myself with the accomplishments and goals I set and achieve. We can all say we write to inspire but in all honesty, I write to teach those with less confidence that it is possible to make your dreams come true.

There is plenty of room in this world for all types of writers and since I have become a published author, I have learned that we all have different approaches in writing and believe that your style is your style and you should not let anyone take that away from you. If you believe, it will happen.

I Have a Mission


This is not a story or speech on how to make money; this is a motivational piece to get you, the reader to understand that your dreams are your dreams. Only you can make them come true.  Not only do I wish to motivate children to believe in themselves and their goals, I also want to motivate all adults into believing that no matter how old you are, it is never too late to make that dream come true.

Who says that having a dream is only allowed for the young? Life may have taken you into a different direction, but with baby steps, you can work that dream into your life if you believe in yourself enough to do so. Why not? What is stopping you from fulfilling a passion you hold so deep within your very being? What is that little voice inside your head really saying to you?

So many people lose confidence along the way, and some are harassed into believing that they are not good enough for a particular goal. Who says you cannot live out your dream; your next door neighbor, your parents, siblings, your best friend, or a co-worker? That is their insecurities shining through. This is your moment to shine; your time to explore what really makes you happy. We live in a society where anything is possible, abundant, and endless.

You do not have to be a rocket scientist to figure out what it is you want to do. It is a passion within that drives your desire to explore, to create, and to overcome obstacles along the way. There are risks, there are consequences and responsibilities that come along with making a dream come true.  ‘BABY STEPS’.

When I was sixteen years old, I was walking the streets of Nashville. I was fearless and determined to make my dream come true as a singer. Granted, walking the streets was not my idea of a dream but I was there and I was trying. Somehow along the way I lost that strength of being fearless, I lost confidence and endurance, so I went home a failure. As I grew older, I realized that I did not fail; I became stronger and more determined to prove to myself that I can do anything.

So if you want to be a sky-diver at the age of seventy-six, or go back to college and obtain your degree at the age of sixty-five, or become a rock star at fifty. What is stopping you? You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. It is your life, whether you are young or old, work to fulfill that dream or passion you’ve so longed to live for.

Little Girl Lost


Little girl lost

No concept of time

Thoughts echo inside her head

Without meaning and rhyme

She looks at the world

Through innocent eyes

All that has been done to her

She never questions why

She sits alone in silence

Unable to tell a soul

The fear he planted in her

For he has complete control

She doesn’t understand

If this is right or wrong

Too young to comprehend

She is forced to play along

She had nobody around

To protect her gentle heart

He said it was all her fault

Right from the very start

When he enters her bedroom

Her body trembles with fear

She pretends she is elsewhere

His breath reeks of beer

When it is finally over

He stumbles for the door

Turns and tells her he loves her

Then calls her his little whore

She longs to see her mother

She passed while giving birth

She feels she has no purpose

She feels she has no worth

This little girl lost

Will live her life alone

She will live in silence

Maybe understand this when she is grown

So all you parents out there

Hug your kids today

Listen to their stories

Don’t ever turn them away

They only speak the truth

They need you to believe

To protect their precious youth

Your trust they long to achieve

This is dedicated to all the children in harms way!

Nobody has the right to put their hands on a child, to place them in harms way for their own benefit.  We need to pay more attention to the cry for help from a child!!!

Dancing With Words


Dancing with words

As delicate as can be

Finagled with such charm

Pampered with such glee

Giving such meaning

In what you try to say

Stumbled words intervening

Can fill you with dismay

Mumbled words

Can leave you confused

May be intentional

When they are misused

Words carefully chosen

To sooth the weary heart

Could lead to temptation

As it plays its vital part

Words can add dimensions

They can also make you weak

Your world remains in suspension

While productive time is what you seek

Dancing with words

Could make for a magical time

From a playful twirl

While dancing to a musical rhyme

Two stepping around the truth

Can damage a weakened soul

Won’t take a sip of Vermouth

To make a person feel whole

Choose your words wisely

Dance that last dance

Never be afraid

To take that chance

For dancing with words

As delicate as can be

Can make or break you

When you dance that dance with me!

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